02-13-2014, 09:34 AM
The tense is confusing, especially to start the poem:
"He's talking about doing
chores on his vacation while growing up."
"He's talking about having to do
chores on his vacation when he was a kid."
--------------------------------
"Once every year he'd find himself in Victoria,
trimming bushes and fixing his mother's
house."
This is confusing. Did he not live with his mother, or did she have a house they did not live in?
-----------------------------------
Sort of the same type of editing throughout.
Fun poem though.
Dale
"He's talking about doing
chores on his vacation while growing up."
"He's talking about having to do
chores on his vacation when he was a kid."
--------------------------------
"Once every year he'd find himself in Victoria,
trimming bushes and fixing his mother's
house."
This is confusing. Did he not live with his mother, or did she have a house they did not live in?
-----------------------------------
Sort of the same type of editing throughout.
Fun poem though.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.