02-12-2014, 11:01 PM
Tom,
(really, in the Serious Workshopping forum?)
Your formatting sucks. Are you trying to disguise that this is really only four lines?
If this is it then will I miss what lessens every day?
I never had more than I could hold in both my hands…
but swollen fingers will not hold as much as once they did…
so things just fall from grasp and slip away.
Or in Ballad meter (though it doesn't deserve it)
If this is it then will I miss
what lessens every day?
I never had more than I could
hold in both my hands…
but swollen fingers will not hold
as much as once they did…
so things just fall from grasp
and slip away.
Need a syllable on that last line (or we could pretend your clever and did it on purpose...your call), and that's an awful (I started to end right there), long way to go for a rhyme: day-away.
As to the content...well it appears to have slipped away.
Dale
(really, in the Serious Workshopping forum?)
Your formatting sucks. Are you trying to disguise that this is really only four lines?
If this is it then will I miss what lessens every day?
I never had more than I could hold in both my hands…
but swollen fingers will not hold as much as once they did…
so things just fall from grasp and slip away.
Or in Ballad meter (though it doesn't deserve it)
If this is it then will I miss
what lessens every day?
I never had more than I could
hold in both my hands…
but swollen fingers will not hold
as much as once they did…
so things just fall from grasp
and slip away.
Need a syllable on that last line (or we could pretend your clever and did it on purpose...your call), and that's an awful (I started to end right there), long way to go for a rhyme: day-away.
As to the content...well it appears to have slipped away.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.