02-12-2014, 12:40 PM
This has a nice poignant quality to it, however this was more difficult to understand than it needs to be. I am still uncertain about the dream sequence and how it fits with the rest of the poem. Maybe I'm dense but it completely threw me off, and I had to read it three times before I got what was happening.
Why "Tractor diesel and cut alfalfa bring her to the edge,"
instead of: "The smell of Tractor diesel and cut alfalfa bring her to the edge,"
I'm all for brevity, but not at the sake of making something more difficult to read, and what is the benefit? I don't see one.
The use of enjambment in L 2-3 seems more about being clever than necessary, I think it is obvious that the bales were made by him.
I think stanzas 3 and 4 are in pretty good shape, if the rest were written this well, you would have a very solid poem.
Unfortunately the last stanza doesn't follow this example. I don't understand why it is necessary to play coy with the facts of the story, again how does that benefit the poem? A poem may at times appear obscure because the idea is profound, but the reverse does not apply. Obscuring something purposefully does not create profundity. I understand that certain modernist poets pursued such an approach, but to my mind that was a failed experiment, but then again, I am not much a fan of the modernists.
Regardless you have some good work here, I would just wish it were better.
Dale
Why "Tractor diesel and cut alfalfa bring her to the edge,"
instead of: "The smell of Tractor diesel and cut alfalfa bring her to the edge,"
I'm all for brevity, but not at the sake of making something more difficult to read, and what is the benefit? I don't see one.
The use of enjambment in L 2-3 seems more about being clever than necessary, I think it is obvious that the bales were made by him.
I think stanzas 3 and 4 are in pretty good shape, if the rest were written this well, you would have a very solid poem.
Unfortunately the last stanza doesn't follow this example. I don't understand why it is necessary to play coy with the facts of the story, again how does that benefit the poem? A poem may at times appear obscure because the idea is profound, but the reverse does not apply. Obscuring something purposefully does not create profundity. I understand that certain modernist poets pursued such an approach, but to my mind that was a failed experiment, but then again, I am not much a fan of the modernists.
Regardless you have some good work here, I would just wish it were better.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.