02-12-2014, 08:42 AM
Excellent meter and adherence to form. L6 is ever so slightly touching on cliche, but the refrain is absolutely lovely. L3 gives me a problem with the tenses as it's clearly already started (I'm ok with the present tense in L5 as this is a continuing thing). My suggestion for L3 would be something along the lines of:
We crawled through hands; so such things start
Great triolet, thanks for the read.
We crawled through hands; so such things start
Great triolet, thanks for the read.
It could be worse