02-11-2014, 08:50 PM
Written out in long form like that, it could be prose poetry, but the there are not enough visuals, similies or metaphor. Also, the repeats don't really work. Try to establish some line breaks, enjambment, perhaps a couple stanza. You can establish drama, time lapse with the proper breaks. For example:
I sit
and wait.
Hours go by,
each one slowly killing me.
Trim some of the wordy angst out of the piece. Use a strong image or metaphor to replace them, eg:
I sit like an empty bench
in a park closed years ago.
Also, either use the 'F' word or delete it. For myself, it almost never works in a poem. Cut out the cliche about money buying happiness. What does money have to do with a relationship? Don't ramble, find a central theme and a core metaphor to emphasize it.
Good luck with your edit. Cheers/Chris
I sit
and wait.
Hours go by,
each one slowly killing me.
Trim some of the wordy angst out of the piece. Use a strong image or metaphor to replace them, eg:
I sit like an empty bench
in a park closed years ago.
Also, either use the 'F' word or delete it. For myself, it almost never works in a poem. Cut out the cliche about money buying happiness. What does money have to do with a relationship? Don't ramble, find a central theme and a core metaphor to emphasize it.
Good luck with your edit. Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris