02-09-2014, 09:19 AM
71, this is a really calm and tender piece that I keep coming back to, thanks for sharing. Yes to the cinematic feel, and for me it also channels Hooper's Nighthawks a bit.
I really liked the first ending better, the second was erring on the side of pretentious/preachy I felt. Maybe you could cut out the last line and use something about the theater play as the title. But maybe you already did that since you don't post your real titles, who knows.
Please do get rid of the "they love each other" line. It's so obvious and simplistic and ugly in comparison with the rest. I'm sure it's there for a reason, but however clear that reason may be to you, it isn't to the readers.
Thanks for sharing and good luck with this one, it'll be quite lovely once you get it right!
-justcloudy
I really liked the first ending better, the second was erring on the side of pretentious/preachy I felt. Maybe you could cut out the last line and use something about the theater play as the title. But maybe you already did that since you don't post your real titles, who knows.
Please do get rid of the "they love each other" line. It's so obvious and simplistic and ugly in comparison with the rest. I'm sure it's there for a reason, but however clear that reason may be to you, it isn't to the readers.
Thanks for sharing and good luck with this one, it'll be quite lovely once you get it right!
-justcloudy
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.