Lying in my room

[Humbert]

What I like most about this poem is the double entendre of 'Lying' (prone position versus untruths) in my room and the 'plot twist' of the room supposedly reflecting yourself while you ponder whether or not you even know yourself! If intended, excellent use of irony. I would play that up even further in your next edit. Cheers/Chris

You were the first to catch that, or at least point it out Thanks for the comments! I'm still trying to figure out how to solidify it.

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Hi Humbert.

feedback isn't written in stone, it's the reader's POV for you to use or discard in part or whole as you see fit :J:

i do know from my own writing that sometimes what i see as the most important part of a poem is sometimes the least relevant, that what i see as the writer isn't always what the reader sees. not saying you're wrong, i'm saying that i have been wrong with my own stuff over similar feelings.

if it works for you leave it in

As for the last line, I personally found it the most important line, and it was even the first line I actually wrote I'm not sure that without it the poem would get the message across that the line delivers.

Thanks a lot for the feedback

I totally agree. It's very easy for an author to get caught up on an idea and lose perspective on what actually works for outside readers, or even what works in the context of a poem.

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Hi, Humbert,
This works well but I think you are missing some details that could draw the reader in more and make the poem more memorable. My main problem as a reader is I am missing the event that woke the narrator up in the final line. I think the poem would gain by some connection between all the description and the final line. Here are some notes:

Posters fill the olive suede-textured walls, Not a fan of "textured", suede olive would do.
and books that I like occupy wooden shelves. I'd drop "and", describe the books instead.
My favorite music plays right beside my ear, Plays inside my ear?
and I am quick to take its advice. Effective line, I'd drop "and",
My closet overflows with my very own look;
I’ve worked so hard to make it mine. maybe describe the look
Works of art (my favorites!)
are pinned to a cork-board that hangs
above my study desk.
Upon my dresser, my accomplishments What accomplishments?
boast my merit and define my pride.
I don’t fucking know me. What broke the busy, satisfied life to lead here?

I'd love to see what you could do with this, thanks for the read.

Thanks for the feedback! I suppose a single "event" wasn't really intended to evoke the final line, but if the accumulations of descriptions did not effectively represent the cause, perhaps I should work on them a bit. Thanks for the notes! I'll keep them in mind