Seagull
#2
(02-05-2014, 02:00 PM)Humbert Wrote:  A seagull soars still against opposing winds, "Soars" and "still" create a jarring effect, as they're opposites, but that may be the effect you're going for. Still, because we don't know the poem's premise yet it creates an odd syntax.
stuck in the sky like glitter on glue. I really like this simile. It's simple and effective, not too fancy, like a well-made shepherd's pieBig Grin
Not moving an inch – how long has it been?
It looks like a check on a backdrop of blue. Would "tick" be more precise than "check"?

Will it try to move on, has it some place to go?
Or does progress stand still, and in stillness progress? Really good line. Ruminative, thoughtful, but not in an overly "arty", superficial way.
The swarms of us bustle and hustle below,
Bumping and shoving and pushing: distress! Very good rhythm in this and the previous line.

Bound to the ground, we do what we can:
We walk and we run and we sift through the sand, "Sand"? "Bustle and hustle" made me think of a sidewalk.
while that fellow up there could fly over the seas
but takes a small moment to revel in the breeze.
This poem feels like it could be about a painting, where both bird and strollers are static, the latter implied by "bound to the ground". I recognise that it's probably just about a seagull, thoughThumbsup Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read, Humbert!
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Messages In This Thread
Seagull - by Humbert - 02-05-2014, 02:00 PM
RE: Seagull - by heslopian - 02-06-2014, 01:59 AM
RE: Seagull - by shemthepenman - 02-06-2014, 03:23 AM
RE: Seagull - by Humbert - 02-07-2014, 03:20 PM
RE: Seagull - by shemthepenman - 02-08-2014, 03:11 AM



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