02-05-2014, 12:15 AM
(10-17-2010, 04:05 AM)Todd Wrote: Hi Todd,
I come fresh to this one and feel that a little cathartic critting will do us both good. I don't want to understand what this is all about as I think there is always room for the obscure when deliberate...when accidental, no. So, line by line to get the juice out of it!
We’d become infectedFirst off, that hyphen below serves no purpose other than to de-link L1 and L2 grammatically. Normally not a problem, but do you want to carry over the L1 "infection" to the rest of the piece? I think not; so you need a real buffer zone before launching on to a conveyor belt of contrivances. It is hard to swallow the bug that infects you by brightness, rasping breathing, flash burns, hieroglyphs (or even -ics), a dominatrix, a bouncer et al. It just drives home a non-point. For me, you would serve the piece better if you cameo'd the primary metaphors per se.
with the brightness of the moon–
the rasp of our own breathing;
days that pressed too close,
flash burns on walls, etched
radioactive hieroglyphs
of a pregnant girlfriend,
dominatrix with a bread knife,
itchy-faced bouncer with teeth
that wouldn’t brush clean,
red-dressed addict in frayed
fishnets, covered with drywall
vomit in the walk-in-closet.
Glasses clinked and shattered
into lines that crawled up noses burning
inexorable fuses.Not clear what this means but you seem to say it clearly so it must be me
Arms and legs splayed forever
exploded over rust-stained shag.
None of us were there.
None of us saw anything.
Something died.
Someone died.
We all should have died....but yes to the finale. Better by far to have these convincingly complete witness statements than the deranged unreliable ramble at the beginning...EVEN THOUGH THAT MAY BE HOW YOU WISH TO SUGGEST THE CHARACTER EXPRESSES HIM/HERSELF. There is inconsistency of characterisation. Yes...that's it. This is me liking it
