Tombs

[cidermaid]

Hi Humbert,
You have been leaving some great feedback has been left for others

Althought the overal thought progression and story was obvious enough to my read, I felt that you had spent a lot of effort and words in the first stanza that could be either better expressed or even actually ommitted.
For me the poem began to unpack what I percieved to be your intended core message / image in the second stanza. The first stanza reads clunky, abstract and halting as if you were struggling to get into your text and fishing for the right words.
Some line by line below

Darkness bore the land, fertile and dank: This needs better clarification - did you mean darkness gave birth to the land, carried the land or as the literal meaning made a hole in the land? I could read this as a "In the begining..." intro but I'm not sure and for readers without that leaning in mind it is too vuage. My understanding of what I thought you were aiming for arrived at:- The land, dark, fertile and dank emerged;
A cavernous tomb with potential and waste.
Yet life is suspended in crypts far below, Is yet needed?
Where blood will run free and to other worlds flow. Watch out for those creeping capital letters at the start of each line! Also this is a bit strained in terms of syntax (and to the other worlds - yoda ish... and flow to other worlds. But having offered these comments, I think from this line on, the abstract ideas come thick and fast. Were you aiming at an imige of the blood held captive or did you mean the blood will freely flow (as in rivers or streams) and hang on what other worlds? the reader needs more lead in for this idea...the dark world below? another plannet?
No place more secure in the world exists: in life, in thought – in bliss; What place...the other world? but as this is not nailed down, the confusion is mounting. I am able to extract enough info (from my own images gained from reading the second stanza)to get that you are talking about death in the line above, but then you tell me being in this other world aka death, is secure and that whilst I am dead i will have some
For one of the three may reside in this land: This reads to me like you are suggesting that "one of the three"...life / thought/ bliss exists seperatly from any other life forms...I know you are not suggesting this but the read is very confused by now and it is difficult to follow logic
A graveyard in cycle with the turn of a hand. No this line is just odd...a cycle between a graveyard and a hand? I think in your attempt to not use cliche it has just become silly.

I would suggest either a complete re-write of the first stanza or picking out a few ideas to strengthen and expand the other stanza.

One day a great force will split open the sky,
And down from above with a thunderous cry, and feels wrong here - perhaps try come
Sin will be seen for the very first time Sin is one of those words in the modern mindset that does not compute. It is a non word in terms of conveying an image. Evil or corruption might be stronger..personally i go with willful, bloodyminded corruption...but this is a bit wordy
By the land that was pure in its stillness and prime, by the land or a land?
Followed by rain like the showers of spring, Is followed correct for your thought progress or should this be with a following rain? Just asking.
Not promising much, but surely the same:
Flowers will grow and a fruit they will bare,
So sweet to the taste that only one dares.
For the origin of dreams do lie in the seeds, Yoda speak creeping in again!
Writhing and seething ‘til life gives release.

Thus pain is born, and happiness too; Thus is archaic perhaps - from this
I reckon that many prefer the dark tombs. reckon then is going too far into modern and sounds too abrupt in this line. I think ...or...although might work better.

Overall I think you have collected together some good ideas and thoughts that perhaps these just need a little more time and thought to be collated into what you wanted to convey.
All the best AJ.