02-02-2014, 02:41 AM
Todd, I wanted to express that I think it is great when someone resurrects an older piece that we may have missed. Folks should do it more often. Thoth also recommended an important edit as well. Therefore, fresh looks are very important to our poetry edits.
This read like '91/2' weeks on 'crank' for me. Although I appreciated elements, the downfall may have occurred to quickly for me. Nonetheless, given that this was the rapid decay timeline you needed, I enjoyed how the rather syrupy opening contrasted with the rapid burn and decay to follow. Keeping with the metaphor of radioactive decay, I might re-edit these lines:
flash burns on walls, etched
radioactive hieroglyphs
of a pregnant girlfriend,
-to-
radiation burns on walls,
etching hieroglyphs
of a pregnant girlfriend,
You could still use: 'radiation flash burns on walls...' Additionally, 'inexorable fuses' gave me too much pause for a cascading piece such as this, probably from the difficulty with its flow and the pondering of meaning. (BTW, shouldn't that be 'with inexorable fuses'? Something as simple as 'unstoppable' might work. I think the problem is my own tongue because even ‘with inextinguishable fuses’ flows better from my mouth!
I had a period in my early years like this and it makes me forever wonder how I survived! Potent and poignant work./Chris
This read like '91/2' weeks on 'crank' for me. Although I appreciated elements, the downfall may have occurred to quickly for me. Nonetheless, given that this was the rapid decay timeline you needed, I enjoyed how the rather syrupy opening contrasted with the rapid burn and decay to follow. Keeping with the metaphor of radioactive decay, I might re-edit these lines:
flash burns on walls, etched
radioactive hieroglyphs
of a pregnant girlfriend,
-to-
radiation burns on walls,
etching hieroglyphs
of a pregnant girlfriend,
You could still use: 'radiation flash burns on walls...' Additionally, 'inexorable fuses' gave me too much pause for a cascading piece such as this, probably from the difficulty with its flow and the pondering of meaning. (BTW, shouldn't that be 'with inexorable fuses'? Something as simple as 'unstoppable' might work. I think the problem is my own tongue because even ‘with inextinguishable fuses’ flows better from my mouth!
I had a period in my early years like this and it makes me forever wonder how I survived! Potent and poignant work./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris