HMS Glory

[Keith]

Keith, sometimes you write things I just can't critique. This is powerful and quite astonishing. At first I was wondering where you were going, thinking this was just another case of an old bloke mouldering in his house and missing out on the world... then you made the world change for him. I do think the rice pudding lines could be a little clearer -- there's no confusion about the pudding situation itself, but a comma after that line doesn't work well and it does read as if the jam was responsible for her near-death.

The last stanza is poignant and -- I hesitate to say, but will anyway -- damn near perfect.

Leanne you really are too kind, but thank you anyway, I didn't have the Jam in the first draft so I may just take it out, thanks for pointing it out and I will sort the comma. Best Keith

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I really enjoyed this, and though I'd like to offer more of a critique, there just isn't much I'd change. My only suggestion would be that the second to last stanza seems to rhyme, whereas, the rest do not. It kind of throws of the flow of the poem a bit. It's nitpicky, but that's all I could come up with as a critique because it's so good.

I know what you mean about the rhyme throwing you off and its something i'm working on but I just can't leave it alone and they always seem to creep in when I'm not looking. Thanks for your kind comments Keith

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Loved this Keith. I did have to look up a few things-- Mr Yips for example. But that didn't really take away. From what I understood from Google the black sash was just the name of the ship, so when you say "and told me all about the black sash." you mean he was talking about life on the ship?

Per Leanne's comment, I understood the blob of jam to be red, looked like blood, he freaked out and almost killed Edna (his wife?) before he realized what he was doing. But maybe I'm over dramatizing. That's what it seemed like to me though.

About the last couple stanzas, I agree with nick above that the penultimate rhymes so nicely with such good rhythm that it did throw me off a bit. I didn't understand "Mr Yips chip shop" because it isn't a chip shop anymore, right? Also who did the narrator call a pillock (another word I had to look up)... Mr Yip or the uncle? And if the uncle is literally saying "that's my boy" then "that's his son" shouldn't really be in quotes, right?

Just thoughts. Maybe I'm just getting confused too easily. Overall really enjoyed it, thanks for sharing.

-justcloudy

Hi Justcloudy thanks for taking the time to comment, I will try to fill in some of the blanks. Yip is just a name, yes Black sash is the ship, The narrator was calling his uncle a pillock so I thought the quotes were ok but I will check again. The chip shop just changed hands it was still a chip shop. Many thanks I will have a look in light of your comments thanks Keith