01-31-2014, 11:59 AM
i like the title it works well with hair length and what men like (i almost cried when my youngest had her hair cut short 
it's a great attempt at the sonnet form you have the two part, and the break after line 8 is clear. and the couplet rounds it off well, though it feels a little weak
what little left you do to or with it, be really mild in anymore edits and possibly even step away for a week or month etc.
great stuff
it's a great attempt at the sonnet form you have the two part, and the break after line 8 is clear. and the couplet rounds it off well, though it feels a little weak
what little left you do to or with it, be really mild in anymore edits and possibly even step away for a week or month etc.
great stuff
(01-31-2014, 10:13 AM)ellajam Wrote: ellajam Wrote: edit #3 (milo, news, true, jc)
Give an Inch...
The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex? should this line be capped?
She dove in with a chestnut stain. the transition from the above line to this one doesn't feel to work that well, a suggestion would be [she answered with a chestnut stain] or something that's smoother.
Years passed before she asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
Her new love takes her as she is,
declares that she can do no wrong. you will not believe me but i my very self have used this line before
He then reveals his preferences:
"Babe, gray is fine, just keep it long."
She wonders why they even care, would something else other than even work better, a suggestion would be [bloody] or some other mild expletive.
She'd always thought it was just hair.
