Coming of Age, Again (Give an Inch) edit #4.1

[ellajam]

edit #3 (milo, news, true, jc)

Give an Inch...

The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
She dove in with a chestnut stain.
Years passed before she asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
Her new love takes her as she is,
declares that she can do no wrong.
He then reveals his preferences:
"Babe, gray is fine, just keep it long."
She wonders why they even care,
She'd always thought it was just hair.

I certainly love the new title, and the edit is quite good ella. Sorry, I wasn't projecting earlier, I just thought the poem needed more pizzazz, and pizzazz you gave. I'd just say maybe replace:

Years passed before she asked herself
with
Years passed before she reflected
and eliminate the next line, along with "She" in the next and "her" in the line after

The out loud dialogue is weird to me (but it is still your poem).
That's all for now.

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I just thought instead of "embraced her curiosity" you could replace "her" with "new"

Thanks for stopping back. You sure know how to isolate bum lines, I appreciate it.

Reflected is a lovely word for this poem, I'll try to work it in. I can't just cut lines because I'm trying to learn the form, but I surely can replace them. I like "new" too, I'll study all your points.

I may try to come to something between the last two edits. We'll see.

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Ok so I literally LOLed at the new one. I love it. Much lighter and bouncier now! (Kinda like newly natural hair! ;p )

The alternate couplet is clever but I like the one you put in better.

Don't really have much to mention, other than the random capital S in the last line.

"Dove in" was mentioned as being weird earlier but I like it, and am glad you kept it. =]

Anyway just really love it now! =]

-justcloudy

Ha, I cracked myself up too, nice to know I'm not laughing alone.
I'll fix that S, thanks.