01-31-2014, 03:04 AM
Simply changing "floating" to floats does make a big difference, but you might want consider changing some of the others to stronger clauses with simple present verbs as well, thusly:
Vibratory verve of the alto sax, expelled coercively from asthmatic lungs, frenetically floats buoyed on the singing of las lenguas de chicas bonitas; humps that Brazilian Basso Nova bass line, which bounds off garden walls as ivies climb up the pulsing beat to the stars, then falls out towards diagonally parked cars where Congress and Mary Street do it in the road.
I still think this could be compressed quite a bit, but that would at least give us some action to make sense of.
Vibratory verve of the alto sax, expelled coercively from asthmatic lungs, frenetically floats buoyed on the singing of las lenguas de chicas bonitas; humps that Brazilian Basso Nova bass line, which bounds off garden walls as ivies climb up the pulsing beat to the stars, then falls out towards diagonally parked cars where Congress and Mary Street do it in the road.
I still think this could be compressed quite a bit, but that would at least give us some action to make sense of.