01-29-2014, 07:24 PM
Thank you for your kind and helpful critique, Bilbo
I like "the cracked Battenberg paving slabs". I asked myself whether I could make that metaphor subtler. I like your suggested enjambments, too. They'd make the poem more definitely free verse.
I see what you mean about "my" in the first line, but without it the line reads too stilted and posh, I think, like "mummy's house" or "father's room".
I like "the cracked Battenberg paving slabs". I asked myself whether I could make that metaphor subtler. I like your suggested enjambments, too. They'd make the poem more definitely free verse.I see what you mean about "my" in the first line, but without it the line reads too stilted and posh, I think, like "mummy's house" or "father's room".
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe