Coming of Age, Again (Give an Inch) edit #4.1

[ellajam]

Ella,

I miss the "did the trick' line. I think you should maybe keep most of the lines in their original placement from V2, and just wait for the ideas to come to edit the parts that are problematic. Maybe just knead it and refine it a bit: focus on some of the problem words that milo pointed out, and just work on them one word at a time. I saw that Cloud thought I was saying you should switch the two lines in the couplet. That's not what I meant. But I wonder if it might work? Beneath might work for a line break if there's actually something beneath it.

Thanks, true, I knew the trick line was a loss but couldn't figure out how to keep it. Blame Sandra, , I got distracted by the joke verse I wrote her. Or the machete I was using.

Really, I was just getting rid of the big ideas I always try to shove in.

Word by word is a good idea. Cloudy's leaf is is nice with beneath, isn't it?

Gonna go write something else for a day or two. (I've got half a sonnet based on your chucked last line from the crown, ha.) Thanks for the good advice.