Jazzspresso Java Joint

[heslopian]

.

Vibratory verve of the alto sax
expelled coercively from asthmatic lungs, These two lines contain everything that's wrong with this poem: they're wordy without being expressive. "Vibratory" and "verve" are abstract words, so it means nothing to say they're expelled "coercively from asthmatic lungs". The problem, I think, is that these lines create so many questions they crush whatever image you're going for. What do you mean by "vibratory verve"? What does it have to do with the sax? Exactly what noise is being described? What's doing the coercing?
The answer to this problem, in my opinion, would be to strip the lines of quite a few words, so they read something like this:

"The alto saxophone vibrates,
a song coerced by asthmatic lungs."

Having read your lines a few times, I see what image you want to create, and it's partly my fault for not knowing quite what you meant by "alto sax", but I still think they could be improved by making them more action-driven and imagistic. At the moment they feel stilted.
frenetically floating Could a comma go here? buoyed on the singing
of las lenguas de chicas bonitas, Is this a song title? If so, should it be capitalised?
humping that Brazilian Basso Nova bass line,
bounding off garden walls as ivies climb, Not a bad image, but you haven't established the scene enough for it to really work. Before now we've not really had any idea where we are. Somewhere Latin/Spanish, maybe, where dancing music plays, which I guess is meant to evoke stereotypical images of loose Latin nightclubs, but it's not enough to rely on the readers' cultural associations, I think. You need to show us where we are.
up the pulsing beat to the stars, Does this make grammatical sense? It feels like it should be reading "the beat pulsing up to the stars". Something about the placing of the verb doesn't feel right.
then falling out towards
diagonally parked cars
where Congress and Mary Street do it in the road. Amusing and witty evocation of a crossroads (I think).
Buttering the boulevard with softening tar Very good, sensual image, making one think of butter on toast.
as things heat up on this spicy evening
on this side of the astrally aligned TexMex Okay, so we're in Mexico. point
lazes the totally hip Jazzspresso Java Joint.

—better have some bread to butter it,
if looking for a place to sit— Is this dialogue? If so, who's saying it, why, and to whom?
Here Hip-Cats and Babe-nicks are laying out daddy’s presidential green Very Beatnick-y, and good. I haven't heard "babe-nicks" before.
under the ivy covered A dash should come between "ivy" and "covered". patio screen desperately hoping to see & be scene: I'll assume this use of "scene" was deliberate, and thus compliment it as a subtle mickey-take of attention-seeking "scene kids".
slamming foo-foo-fighter coffee drinks full on cat-fiend, high octane, Java bean. This line descends into a word jumble, or feels like it does.
Sitting next to the slow-mo, cultural show, mentally cruising on the autoless Boulevard. I have no idea what you mean by "cultural show", and though I know what a "slow-mo" is, I don't know why it's here.
Hip-Cats are trying terribly to make themselves granite hard,
but all they receive for their efforts is topical torridness’. Why does "torridness" have an apostrophe? Are you using the word in a possessive context? If so, what does the "topical torridness" possess?
While…
Babe-nicks, wet, slick and lean,
looking to score some orbs from the local denizens:
These notice What? Is "notice" is being used as a noun? nectar sucking Should be a dash between "nectar" and "sucking". nymphs are actors at play
and they expect their coin be well spent,
if their they're going to make the descent
they need someone to watch, and watch some more.
The locals will do, if you can catch them while their they're bored,
a ready made imaginary audience in this make-believe fantasy ward.
But…… C-A-R-E-F-U-L…..Young Girls,
they just might follow where you lead,
after all if you old enough to …
a sign should read:

WARNING:

Hot, Hidden, Dark, thoughts rising
like bubbles of magma deep
within the earths "earth's", as it's a possessive. womb, Very good image, though I struggle to connect it to any previously established context.
coming to the surface in these
testostroneladden"laden" (I assume)youngmen,
attending the Auspicious Academy
of Rose-colored Rarefied Air
at the Educational Edifice of the
Mega-Monolithic Mosaic
Universality University! This many capitalised adjectives in a row just makes my eyes glaze over, sorry. It doesn't mean anything to me because it carries no images, isn't really descriptive in any comprehendible way, and feels like hip-talk without the talk.

No need to worry though, these men are well trained,
to sit, stay, and obey, as well be well healed A dash should come between "well" and "healed".!
They send their dark musings back down
diving deep under ground,
deep down under downtown,
far, far, down…
into the realm of the

“h ó t-h ó t -- hottay latte”
where they will above all else:
do-no…harm. Putting a dash between "do" and "no" makes me read those words fast, as one word, almost, which feels contrary to the effect you're going for.

—Erthona

I'm sorry, Erthona, but this poem got on my tits really quickly. It has a few good images and nice verbal gymnastics, but there's no texture that I can latch onto. I don't know where I am, why, how, or with whom. There's no setting, no sense of place, no real sense of character or culture, just a lot of wordy nothing which makes me feel dumb for not getting it, though I'm not sure that even those smarter than me (i.e. most people) would get much out of it. JMHO, naturally. Thank you for the read