01-29-2014, 07:34 AM
There's a fat man
That sits outside my office every afternoon
Maybe get rid of "every afternoon", and work on the line breaks.
Eating his lunch
And, boy is he fat
He used to sit alone
Devouring a bag of fast food
Condiments dripped onto him, unknowingly
Dropped fries were picked up and eaten
The last two lines above could probably be handled better.
Dirt and all
How miserable
I used to watch him every day
Maybe, I watched him every day or I used to watch every day. But what you have isn't that bad.
Recently, a fat woman
Has been joining him for lunch
Maybe get rid of "for lunch".
Those two take up the entire bench
He brings food for them both
Then they eat like trough animals
'And' instead of "Then"? Maybe not.
Greasy hands touch
Salty kisses interrupt bites
Bellies jiggle below their shirts
When they laugh
And, they laugh a lot
Completely oblivious
I don't watch him much anymore
That sits outside my office every afternoon
Maybe get rid of "every afternoon", and work on the line breaks.
Eating his lunch
And, boy is he fat
He used to sit alone
Devouring a bag of fast food
Condiments dripped onto him, unknowingly
Dropped fries were picked up and eaten
The last two lines above could probably be handled better.
Dirt and all
How miserable
I used to watch him every day
Maybe, I watched him every day or I used to watch every day. But what you have isn't that bad.
Recently, a fat woman
Has been joining him for lunch
Maybe get rid of "for lunch".
Those two take up the entire bench
He brings food for them both
Then they eat like trough animals
'And' instead of "Then"? Maybe not.
Greasy hands touch
Salty kisses interrupt bites
Bellies jiggle below their shirts
When they laugh
And, they laugh a lot
Completely oblivious
I don't watch him much anymore