01-28-2014, 07:27 PM
Hi ella, lovely edit.
You're clearly in good hands with milo and true, but thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.
I third that "incongruent" and "bequeath" both don't fit the established tone of the poem. Yes incongruent is the perfect idea but it really sticks out, in a bad way. Maybe for the couplet at the end you could make the second line first, like true suggested. If you're cool with slant rhymes the second line could be a play on "turning over a new leaf". Just a thought.
Overall it's a very approchable sonnet and the majority is pleasant and easy to read, and really funny too. I wasn't sold on the original but this edit was a huge improvement! Nicely done.
-justcloudy
You're clearly in good hands with milo and true, but thought I'd throw in my 2 cents.
I third that "incongruent" and "bequeath" both don't fit the established tone of the poem. Yes incongruent is the perfect idea but it really sticks out, in a bad way. Maybe for the couplet at the end you could make the second line first, like true suggested. If you're cool with slant rhymes the second line could be a play on "turning over a new leaf". Just a thought.
Overall it's a very approchable sonnet and the majority is pleasant and easy to read, and really funny too. I wasn't sold on the original but this edit was a huge improvement! Nicely done.
-justcloudy
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The howling beast is back.
The howling beast is back.