Coming of Age, Again (Give an Inch) edit #4.1

[milo]

edit #1


The first time was to please an ex
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a lightweight dye that did the trick.
Ten years of monthly rinses flew,
her tresses long, dark brown and thick,
incongruent as laugh lines grew.
One day she woke and asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
Now with the grace old age bequeaths
her silver rises from beneath.

for me, I like many of the changes.

A couple areas that give me problems now:

"dove in"
"lightweight" *
did you consider "her tresses stayed dark brown and thick"?
"incongruent"

*I actually waver back and forth on lightweight as I like the double meaning but I may like the implied meaning better than the stated.

Just some thoughts, if they don't bother others, just disregard.

---

Just noticed the new title. i will have to chew the whole thing over a few more times now . . .

"dove in" may have gone overboard, ha, when I dumped the "fought" it idea, but dying is akin to "taking the plunge".

Let me know where you land on "lightweight".

Stayed seemed too similar to still, no?

What is it you dislike about incongruent? I think it has the right meaning, is the sound of it off?

The title gave me a giggle. I wanted to keep silver and gold/bold popped up. Not married to it.

Thanks for reading, milo, I'll look again at all those points.

I think the line "tresses long, dark brown and thick" has too much modification. "still" is not a verb, it just sits there. 'stayed", inmho, tells a story where still does not.

"incongruent" feels too alien for me for this poem. Everything else is pretty natural, the voicing of incongruent just feels wrong. Something light like "blonde" or "dizzy" or "shallow" but, of course probably none of those exactly, you will come up with something i am sure.