01-28-2014, 11:21 AM
I enjoy the brevity you've captured here and the upfront delivery is punchy.
I agree with the points raised around "I'll" repetition and tenses.
I feel a constant meter through lines 1 - 5, then introducing some punctuated pauses, followed by your full trail off to ageing with an extra foot in line 6 would work better than the two distinct stanzas.
(line 6 is excellent btw, "cold old aging" takes a long time to say
)
Something like;
"I’ll wash my brain and dirt my feet
dance in mud and skirt packed streets
and live and die before hair grays"
Said I before I settled down,
pretended love and hid my frown
and wrinkled up, to die of cold old age.
An opinion only though so trust yourself. Best of luck, thanks for the read.
eoin
I agree with the points raised around "I'll" repetition and tenses.
I feel a constant meter through lines 1 - 5, then introducing some punctuated pauses, followed by your full trail off to ageing with an extra foot in line 6 would work better than the two distinct stanzas.
(line 6 is excellent btw, "cold old aging" takes a long time to say
)Something like;
"I’ll wash my brain and dirt my feet
dance in mud and skirt packed streets
and live and die before hair grays"
Said I before I settled down,
pretended love and hid my frown
and wrinkled up, to die of cold old age.
An opinion only though so trust yourself. Best of luck, thanks for the read.
eoin