01-28-2014, 10:53 AM
The edit is excellent in tone and voice. the first 5 lines come across as effortless with no distraction—very colloquial while also musical, but show great control with the music. actually reminds me a bit of leanne's work, not in verbiage really, something more than that, something like tone, beyond that, attitude , something about the way it comes off the page, comes alive; there is an attitude that is confident without being overbearing, sure but unassuming.
incongruent must go. not too fond of "bequeaths" either, and "her silver rises from beneath" falls a little flat, but there is a lot for me to love here.
The first time was to please an ex
much better that the original. "the first time" hooks in a way that "she did it" never will. It grabbed me, had me eager to hear about the "first time" the first time what? I must read on, I have to know!
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
the bemused yet light, witty, and conversational way you let your narrator address the audience here is simply marvelous. it makes an already interesting question more interesting.
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a lightweight dye that did the trick. did the trick is doing something interesting here too, it makes my tongue dance.
Ten years of monthly rinses flew,
her tresses long, dark brown and thick,
incongruent as laugh lines .
One day she woke and asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
these lines in italics seem to share some of the strength, attitude, and great sounds that I loved in the first two stanzas, the rest feels like it runs out of steam all the way to the couplets (aside from these three lines.)
Now with the grace old age bequeaths
her silver rises from beneath.
incongruent must go. not too fond of "bequeaths" either, and "her silver rises from beneath" falls a little flat, but there is a lot for me to love here.
The first time was to please an ex
much better that the original. "the first time" hooks in a way that "she did it" never will. It grabbed me, had me eager to hear about the "first time" the first time what? I must read on, I have to know!
who viewed her graying with disdain--
what's with that bond of hair and sex?
the bemused yet light, witty, and conversational way you let your narrator address the audience here is simply marvelous. it makes an already interesting question more interesting.
She dove in with a chestnut stain,
a lightweight dye that did the trick. did the trick is doing something interesting here too, it makes my tongue dance.
Ten years of monthly rinses flew,
her tresses long, dark brown and thick,
incongruent as laugh lines .
One day she woke and asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf,
embraced her curiosity.
these lines in italics seem to share some of the strength, attitude, and great sounds that I loved in the first two stanzas, the rest feels like it runs out of steam all the way to the couplets (aside from these three lines.)
Now with the grace old age bequeaths
her silver rises from beneath.