(03-22-2010, 06:26 PM)jdelacroix Wrote: Remember the night is this line needed?all in all a good effort. all it needs is a small edit to make a big improvement.
you bore anarchy in my head?
Your drunk guitar teacher
on stage begged me
to watch over you
in that jam-packed bolgia. five good lines
The tobacco fog permeated the air. is THE needed?
The fiends around us,
in black shirts and tattered jeans,
raised their pitchfork fingers:
in the name of sex, drugs and rock n’ roll. another good stanza though sd&r&r is cliche. oplay around with it a bit
Yet, is YET needed
your heart lingered pounded, rattled or something other than lingered
at the noise: of guitars either lose the : or OF
screeching from the amplifiers, through instead of from maybe?
and cymbals crashing
like shattered bottles
on concrete. this stanza needs a bit of clarity for me
You were barely 16
sipping your can of soda,
exclaiming to me
your view of anarchy.
“Can you see it now?
Amidst the chaos sprouts a rose!” i had to read this stanza twice but it works.
I stood still. is this line needed?
All I saw was you.
Quite honestly, I'm not sure with this one. Then again, I'm not always sure of my poems
some good original lines and one big fat cliche
the sex drugs and rock and roll is the one i'm talking about one way to convert the cliche is to openly call it cliched as in:raised their pitchfork fingers:
in the cliched name of sex,
drugs and rock n’ roll.
the title leaves me a little flat.
the rock show; sounds like a geological convention.
try and lift it by hooking it into the poem or the poem into it.
thanks for the read jd.
if you post any more i'll reply as i get to them
sorry if i'm a bit late though as i'm spending time with my kids in the uk