Hopeless

[DonMar]

Some good imagery here, though I feel it borders on over-kill. Perhaps a little judicious pruning is in order. With some tightening up, the poem would be stronger, more memorable.

It flows reasonably well, but is jarring in a few places.

Suggestions below. Keep or sweep.

Donna

Waist deep in muck, and covered in grime, I sift and I forage in this dark place, my mind. This could be made smoother. For example, 'waist deep in muck, covered in grime, I sift and forage in the depths of my mind'.
In search of what, I could not say, but I discovered and to my dismay. Maybe '...I discovered, to my dismay'.
An abandoned house with border up windows, a chaotic symphony, the voices rise in crescendo. Suggest re-thinking this line for a smoother flow. It would be 'boarded up' windows.
A lantern without a mantle, a conductor with no baton, '...conductor without a baton'.
Stammering through the darkness, eyelids completely drawn. Make it clear who is stammering through the darkness. And what is meant by 'eyelids completely drawn'?
Scared and alone in this vast and echoing void, Suggest dropping 'vast and'.
The hope I once held, now completely destroyed.
In search of something.. Only to find black,
I am nothing, I have no reason to turn back.
Trudging through this abyss of hopelessness and squalor
Reluctantly agreeing with the voices, they're right, I have nothing to offer. This line could be tightened up.
I am a marionette without master, a lantern with no mantel This line and the next could be dropped. Nothing's gained by the repetition.
I am a conductor with no baton, a sparrow without song.
All fortitude lost, here I shall stay,
Only echoing voices and black to companion me while I live out my days... This line could be tightened up.