Coming of Age, Again (Give an Inch) edit #4.1

[milo]

Silver Sonnet

She did it first to please an ex
who thought her pale strands should be dyed--
what's with that bond of hair with sex?

I like the rhyme of "ex" and "sex"
The second line suffers from an unfortunate condition of the English language - three hard beats forces a demotion. In this case it is "pale strands should" so "strands" gets the awkward demotion.

Also, the "she did it first" beginning creates an odd ambiguity that I am not sure is intentional. (which one of them did it first) The diction is odd anyway, I think it would be nice to see it with more standard diction and see if it suffers for it, maybe even create a little sex-ambiguity with a phrase like "the first time" or something.

She fought it then she caved and tried
the wash out type, it did the trick;
a decade passed of monthly rinse,
her tresses still dark brown and thick.

"She fought it then she caved and tried" lacks the tension needed for truth. "Still" feels like padding, maybe something like "stayed", of course remained would be better but you would need some other adjustments.

While laugh lines grew it was years since
she'd seen herself as she should be.

"while" sets up a conditional that is never realized by the rest of the sentences. Also, you are missing an opportunity for irony by comparing the positives of age with what she is denying. Something like "her face is lined from laughs but still her hair reflects inconsequence of youth" or something else (written better of course)

One day she woke and asked herself
"Hey, wait a minute, is that me?"
She put the bottle on the shelf
and now with grace old age bequeaths
gray rises slowly from beneath.


(I'm not sure I get away with the meter in L8, help please. Of course, all crit welcome.)

something weird about "and now with grace old age bequeaths", I am not sure you pull it off.

Anyway, i have commented quite a bit and i don't want you to think i don't like it, I do. I think it will strengthen and grow, in time reflecting the work you put into it like grey hair.