01-23-2014, 08:07 AM
it might achieve a poem.
for instance. this last effort carries much more weight as a poem (for me at least) than the original
i like the way you end the 2nd line and run on from it in the third; the wording is much more effective .the title also plays a stronger role
Thirst
A new exciting way to be alone
for twenty dollars inclusive of phone
calls, each month. Art and science finally
undone by a play of technology.
or
Broadband from £10 a month
A new exciting way to be alone
undoes the worn out dreams of art. The phone
comes free! Buy now! All prior ways to see,
lost in the play of this technology.
the latter has some decent connective tissue and so the reader might better relate to the poem.
for instance. this last effort carries much more weight as a poem (for me at least) than the original
i like the way you end the 2nd line and run on from it in the third; the wording is much more effective .the title also plays a stronger role
Thirst
A new exciting way to be alone
for twenty dollars inclusive of phone
calls, each month. Art and science finally
undone by a play of technology.
or
Broadband from £10 a month
A new exciting way to be alone
undoes the worn out dreams of art. The phone
comes free! Buy now! All prior ways to see,
lost in the play of this technology.
the latter has some decent connective tissue and so the reader might better relate to the poem.