01-23-2014, 12:26 AM
M,
As this seems written mostly in iambic tetrameter I'm not sure why it's called a sonnet, but OK. I can fix L8 but everything around it would need to change. I think the easiest way to get it back in rhythm (it's not out of meter) is to drop the "while", and start on the half foot.
"laugh lines grew, it was years since
she'd seen herself as she should be."
That's the best I can do to remove the awkwardness without rewriting the whole thing.
Overall it is a fun poem and points out the fakery we all participate in, in order to accommodate those we would live with. Hair color in the final analysis is at best a frivolous change. Men and women both have to change a lot if they are going to get a long, and in the end , it all comes out in the wash, or here, the rinse
Dale
PS It's also why I live in a cave with no one around for miles, when I was in the hospital recently they had to keep shooting me with the tranquilizer gun...still haven't figured how to get this tracking tag off! Well at least I have this Underwood typewriter duct taped to an old black and white TV screen so I can get on the internet. I may have to upgrade my phone, my hands are getting to old to bang rocks anymore, need to get one of them newfangled bricks uncle Eb is always showing me.
As this seems written mostly in iambic tetrameter I'm not sure why it's called a sonnet, but OK. I can fix L8 but everything around it would need to change. I think the easiest way to get it back in rhythm (it's not out of meter) is to drop the "while", and start on the half foot.
"laugh lines grew, it was years since
she'd seen herself as she should be."
That's the best I can do to remove the awkwardness without rewriting the whole thing.
Overall it is a fun poem and points out the fakery we all participate in, in order to accommodate those we would live with. Hair color in the final analysis is at best a frivolous change. Men and women both have to change a lot if they are going to get a long, and in the end , it all comes out in the wash, or here, the rinse
Dale
PS It's also why I live in a cave with no one around for miles, when I was in the hospital recently they had to keep shooting me with the tranquilizer gun...still haven't figured how to get this tracking tag off! Well at least I have this Underwood typewriter duct taped to an old black and white TV screen so I can get on the internet. I may have to upgrade my phone, my hands are getting to old to bang rocks anymore, need to get one of them newfangled bricks uncle Eb is always showing me.
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.