Still Life with Piano and Seagull

[DonMar]

Todd, thank you for your comments/suggestions. Very useful indeed.

Donna

Hi Donna, I'm a little late to this one, and while I see your note about considering the other edits, I'll confine my comments to the latest revision.

Revised version A 20.01. Other edits still under consideration.
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After a fitful sleep--I'm wondering what fitful really adds. "After sleep devoid of dreams" might be enough. Is it important that it was fitful sleep? Just thinking through the opening. I'll ponder this. The notion of fitful was to imply a restlessness, unease, which, by the end of the poem, has vanished (when the narrator gazes into the seagull's golden eyes and recognises the kindred spirit).
devoid of dreams,
I paused at my window,
and beheld a black piano,
stranded at the end of a sandbar
in a sparkling blue bay.--So, we're seeing elements of color that give us the sense that perhaps this is the dream. Interesting observation. There was no dream, but yes, the introduction of colour - and the surreal aspect of a piano on a sandbar - implies a dream-like state.

An ivory seagull
circled the instrument,
listening for a melody
in the key of air,--I really like this. Lovely phrasing. I wonder what "and wind" adds below since I already have air. Thank you. I've used both 'air' and 'wind', as I had in mind still air as well as a strong wind.
and water,
and sky,
and wind,
and freedom.--You add an abstract concept that might be better expressed by cutting this line and relying on the next line's action to take us there subtly. I agree. Good point.
It swooped to play
the chord of loneliness
keening in the cry of scavengers--You have two "____ of _____ constructions on top of one another. I run into this with my own writing and it comes off as a weaker poetic structure than you could get to with some more thought. I'd consider other options here. I like the ideas just not how their structured. I see your point, and will re-think these lines.
in their wheeling pursuit
of sustenance and love,
knowing their place
in the order of things.

The gull, rising, floated--I wonder if you need both words here. "rose" might get you there. I agree.
on a current of air
to where I waited at the window.
It beat its wings slowly,
level with my face,
and I felt a strange affection
as I gazed into its golden eyes,
and smiled at my reflection.--to smile might be another choice here. Agreed.

© Donna Devine

It's a soft, reflective piece, and I enjoyed the read.

I hope the comments will be helpful in some way.

Best,

Todd