Open House /edit#1
#8
the last creates the mystery but over all i get a feeling the poem is about a still life painting. i like the run on in the 1st line but would like to see a couple more poetic devices even though it's a brief poem. an example would be; blue bowl or early cut crocuses...
i do like the over all image


(01-19-2014, 10:12 PM)ellajam Wrote:  edit #1 (clemonz)


Oranges are piled up, left is [are] needed?
in a purple bowl.
A small clay bird holds
early crocuses. crocuses feels a bit mmm would crocus work better?
Honey and tea leaves
have left their shelves.

The fruit are still firm, again, is [are] needed?
petals smooth and upright,
teapot overturned.


Original

Who brought oranges, piled
them into a purple bowl and left
on silent feet?
Who ran the faucet, filling
the small clay bird to hold
the first crocuses?
Who stayed long
enough to rinse the teapot, leaving
honey on the table?
The fruit are still firm,
petals smooth and upright,
the pot overturned.


First smartass critique:

Who cares? Big Grin
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Messages In This Thread
Open House /edit#1 - by ellajam - 01-19-2014, 10:12 PM
RE: Open House - by clemonz - 01-20-2014, 04:23 AM
RE: Open House - by ellajam - 01-20-2014, 04:46 AM
RE: Open House /edit#1 - by justcloudy - 01-20-2014, 08:21 AM
RE: Open House /edit#1 - by ellajam - 01-20-2014, 09:45 AM
RE: Open House /edit#1 - by justcloudy - 01-20-2014, 09:52 AM
RE: Open House /edit#1 - by ellajam - 01-20-2014, 10:00 AM
RE: Open House /edit#1 - by billy - 01-20-2014, 10:32 AM
RE: Open House /edit#1 - by ellajam - 01-20-2014, 10:51 AM



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