One Last Epiphany

[DonMar]

Thank you so much for your feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed this.

My responses are below (in red).

Donna

In the secret, silent heavens
A light seemed to appear,
And I imagined at a window (would "my" work better than "a" here?) I used 'a' because the reference is to an imaginary windown in 'heaven'/the sky.
Attentive eyes and ears,
And I cried,

'Don't you want to hear
About the world, the pain, my scars? ("my pain" instead of "the pain") I want to stay with the world's pain rather than the narrator's own. I feel mention of the narrator's 'scars' is enough.
How my inner nightingale
Serenades the stars? (I do like this inner nightingale line - however, I'm not sure it fits so well in the theme of the prayer since the rest of it comes across as bemoaning your fate and this thought comes across as almost serene) Bemoaning her fate was never the narrator's intention. Despite the pain and grief all around her, she's still able to maintain a certain inner calm and sense of joy.
Don't you want to hear
About the love, the blame, my tears? (still feel as if you should consider going with "my" for all three here) I feel this would sound too 'whiny'.
How I found redeeming grace,
Faced down looming fears?' (would suggest "stared" or something else instead of "faced") I was going for the alliteration, though of course 'stared down' works too. In the meantime, I've adjusted the line.

No, like every god I knew, ("i've known" or perhaps I "ever knew") Yes, 'I've known' would work well.
You'd taken a vow of silence,
Though I'd maintained my diligence,
Kept my naïve vigilance; (This second line feel a little excessive) You could be right. I'll re-think this.
But now, in sweet, crushed innocence (drop the word "but") I felt 'but' was needed to indication a transition.
I feel perfect. (This stanza feels a little awkward. This final line has impact, but less so because of its meaning that the fact that it feels so abrupt - which may be what you were going for?) Yes, I was going for that. Of course, I'm open to further opinions.
Our one-sided conversations
Led to revelations; (would consider a substitute for "led") I've adjusted that line.
I learned that no one pulls the strings
When I fall onto stabby things (another awkward visual although I do like the "stabby things" word pairing, perhaps you can "bump into" them instead of "fall onto"?) The image 'fall onto' was meant to imply the grievous harm that can ensue from falling onto something rather than simply bumping into it. I had in mind the real-life image of the teen-age boy (in the UK, I think) who, while helping his mother load the dishwasher, tripped and fell onto the blade of a carving that was upright in the cutlery basket. He bled to death.

Thus wisdom grows,
One more epiphany to go. (would suggest "last" instead of "more") Makes sense. I'll think on this.
Its breath draws close,
Hard on my neck, (hard is not bad here, but I feel like another word could have more impact - "stiff", "firm", "bold"?) I can't envisage a breath being stiff, or firm, or bold. 'Hard on my neck' means drawing closer and closer.
Like a warm, wet, twitching nose.

One epiphany short of Enlightenment,
I feel it drawing close.

I made a few suggestions, but did enjoy this piece. I've always enjoyed subject matter that delves into religion (although I probably enjoy the heretical side of that a bit more). I think this is a lovely piece that just needs a little touching up.

Unfortunately my strength is not form or meter (I do get the feeling that can be touched upon as well), but I think some minor changes in wording could definitely escalate this piece.

Thanks for the read!