Seraph's cry

[DonMar]

Some very nice imagery here (e.g. S2, L1-4). I like your use of Gabriel, one of the Seraphim ('fire' angels) [fire of love/devotion], to contrast with the cold that's being described. However, it's not immediately clear who is addressing whom in S2.

The theme is compelling. I feel it could be made more dynamic by means of stronger verbs, literary devices (e.g. alliteration), and so forth.

In any case, these are simply one person's suggestions. Keep or sweep.

Donna

Day time city streets; 'Daytime' - one word.
Angles hide in plain sight. 'Angles' or 'Angels'?
The sun shines and
springs back from seraphim wings.
Chins tucked into their coats as Perhaps clarify the antecedent of 'their'.
they fight against a bitter wind. Example of alliteration and strengthening line: 'They battle against a bitter wind'. Just a thought.
Gales of change and fleeting times,
Their time has past. Maybe consider 'has gone', to get a pleasing 'aw' sound to resonate with 'forlorn' and 'walk'. In any case, it would be either 'is past' or 'has passed'.
They pace, forlorn, Suggest comma after 'pace'.
and through city streets they walk.
Too afraid to fly. I wonder whether dropping 'too' and 'so' would strengthen these last two lines?
So afraid to die.


Gabriel's sore throat will tell you,
Life was not always so hard for them .
Their days have grown long and cold,
Their feathers plucked and children told: Not sure about the use of a colon here. Is it to indicate that the following lines are what the children were told by the angels?
This world so strange
Inspires change
But our minds are old,
Our souls too cold for this place. Whose souls are being referred to here? If the angels', this would be at odds with their being symbolic of fire'
You, my son, my daughter...
Must face our fears and fly.
Let tears fall in the dust,
From a seraphim sky.