01-17-2014, 05:53 PM
"Dreams fade and drift away,
A brilliant red that slipped to grey.
I’m out of spirit, the bottle’s broken;"
As requested, a new line for the dreams line, added some other changes to cut some of the cliches. Not really a suggestion, just some ideas with which to work.
Hopes faded were tossed away
brilliant red that slid to grey
my spirit's out, my bottles broken,
nothing left but just a token
a sullen silent night.
And I agree with Fun guy, you are showing a lot of promise for being only 18.
Dale
A brilliant red that slipped to grey.
I’m out of spirit, the bottle’s broken;"
As requested, a new line for the dreams line, added some other changes to cut some of the cliches. Not really a suggestion, just some ideas with which to work.
Hopes faded were tossed away
brilliant red that slid to grey
my spirit's out, my bottles broken,
nothing left but just a token
a sullen silent night.
And I agree with Fun guy, you are showing a lot of promise for being only 18.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.