Slaves

[kingmicahde]

There are some interesting ideas here although it comes across as too ranty - like you just had a really bad day at work. The two stanzas aren't terribly cohesive either. The first echoed slavery and the second - while it echoes a form of modern slavery didn't have enough of a seque to transition the reader. I think you need at least one stanza between the two to help tie the two ideas.

Will be interested to see what else you can come up with.

Hey thanks I was actually thinking the same I could not figure out a way to transition without just coming out and saying we are slaves today. I do understand that the second half was a little ranty I was really proud of the first stanza and the second kinda disapointed but would like help on bettering it I was also wondering if you could see any similarity in the wording of the 2 was trying to make it similar but not too obvious and it coming across as repeditive

Yes, I notice it now. You should definitely play with this one a bit more. I could end up being quite nice with a little work.

Hey thanks I actually am at work writing this so I do notice a few typos and grammar errors that you mention I appreciate the input