01-16-2014, 11:14 PM
This is fine work, precise and clear. Really lovely.
Some novice thoughts below, ripe for disregarding.
This really beautifully composed, and hasn't dimmed in at least 10 reads to this point.
Sincere thanks.
Some novice thoughts below, ripe for disregarding.
(01-05-2014, 01:03 AM)71degrees Wrote: Morning coffee blends
into my white cup,
throated and masculine; great opening, blends in particular captures the immediacy
a glass on the table
holds a bouquet of spoons
as others have said, bouquet is perfect. I'm caught by "holds" though. holding a bouquet (of flowers) draws me to attaching a persona to the glass, and in turn a romantic connotation that I don't feel is intended, or I can't find. If I'm missing something, please ignore. But if this is intended simply as a beautifully concise image, I would give thought to that.
Outside, snow and sky
glow the same blue, I would lose this comma, your line break captures the two images and thoughts sufficiently, and the enjambed alliteration is amplified nicely without it.
bleached coldness;
I watch the male settle,
cracking sunflower seeds,
head turning, always,
the female a branch away
Certainty smiles at all of us.
until the two of them flit away,
frightened off by a world
filled with believable objects
This really beautifully composed, and hasn't dimmed in at least 10 reads to this point.
Sincere thanks.

