Night Moves

[71degrees]

Revision

You no longer know me;
when you speak to me
I do not know what to say

I wonder if you remember
the birch trees
from the Beach Road house

They walked at night,
moving to different locations,
trying to warn us about the future

The one at the corner looked
like you look now: white leafed hair,
black spots on slender branches

I cut it down in 1972; it was diseased,
and you said it was the right thing to do

We moved the smaller pieces, stacking
them like body parts against the cellar door

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Hi, 71, I've been enjoying this, but have been bothered by the flatness of


in contrast with the richness of the rest of the poem. While this does create a feeling of separation, it also creates a separation in the poem that bothers me. You may like that response, but I was thinking that with a more meaningful title, such as "What is Gone"', those lines could be cut, leaving just the beauty and still showing the current distance.

Just a thought, thanks for the fun of this thread.

Thank you about the title. I couldn't agree more and I have a different title for it. I rarely put my intended titles on my posted poems.

Almost unanimous that I do "something" with the first stanza. I shall. Thank you. Poetry is maddening, isn't it? Not sure "fun" is the right word.

Ha, it's fun when it's someone else's poem.

I remembered you mentioning that you withhold the "real" title, still I can only comment on what you post. I can see why you might do it with an eye to publishing, but I've been learning how integral the title can be. Without it it's similar to withholding a punchline and then wondering why no one understands the joke. Again, just a thought.

"Hewn" is the title I like best.