Ice Aged

[ChristopherSea]

Chris, uncommon wording does not a poem make. I am unable to get past "overzealous dire-wolves". Yuck. You have an abstract adjective, further modified by being compounded to an abstract adverb, modifying a noun which is already over-modified, and rendered abstract, by its paring to an abstract adjective. Don't just do things with words, make the words do things. If you want to modify a noun, let another noun grab a verb and do something to it. In other words, the strongest modified nouns are objects of transitive verbs, and subjects with transitive verbs.

The ice bears careless hominids,
disabled mastodons
and overzealous dire-wolves,
now frozen TV-dinners
for sociopathic sharks
that have not yet evolved.

Here you have an entire stanza without a single verb! Is the comma in S1 an error? Is there supposed to be an "are" before "now"? It is grammatically, and otherwise, nonsensical; and it completely misses the point of what poetry is all about. In fact, you could write a poem with nothing but verbs, but you cannot write a poem without verbs!!!

Your reader, me, is reading to find out what happens. An experience occurs when something happens. By obscuring the action with over-modification, and worse, not supplying the necessary verbs at all, you are cheating your reader out of the experience. C'mon, Chris! Make something happen.

Dude, 'bear' or to carry is a verb the last time I looked it up, but you may have confused it with the ursine beast. I could change the verb to something less confusing. Dire wolves are real (Canis dirus "fearsome dog"). They are an extinct carnivorous mammals of the genus Canis, roughly the size of the gray wolf, but with a heavier build. Also, I think I need that comma. I suppose that I could add 'they are' or 'they have become'. As for overzealous, many predators have leaped to their own deaths in tar pits, quick sand or glaciers over enthusiastically pursuing their prey (not looking before they leap). Again, I will look at the wording. Otherwise, I see nothing wrong with the line, but I will give it another look, as I respect your poetic eye. Thanks for your time and effort TrueE! Cheers/Chris

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Edit 4 with some clarifying edits suggested by trueE. The only replacements for 'bears' that I can think of are 'carries' , 'transports' or 'conveys', but I am not certain that they work. Thanks!/Chris