01-15-2014, 07:05 AM
Joethryn proposes freeing the slaves.
A plan between the two starts to brew
To save injured slaves from early graves.
That sounds like something from a trailer for a tv show.
Next week on an all new episode of The Paliform Precipice:
Joethryn proposes freeing the slaves.
A plan between the two starts to brew
doer of things wrong
Hide he cannot from deeds most awful
Sorg seeks to deliver death’s cold sting
Swiftly executed by his hands.
While leaving them may seem nightmarish
The prisoners largely were inert.
Into a vestibule, wise to the risk;
The room is empty, he does notice.
Figure out how to say things more naturally. Not adding details to fill the lines and rhymes, because when you do you have lots of filler and awkward sounding things that distract from the story and make the poem unreadable. You have to flesh out the story without filler.
Simply counting syllables leaves the lines feeling stiff and mechanical.
A plan between the two starts to brew
To save injured slaves from early graves.
That sounds like something from a trailer for a tv show.
Next week on an all new episode of The Paliform Precipice:
Joethryn proposes freeing the slaves.
A plan between the two starts to brew
doer of things wrong
Hide he cannot from deeds most awful
Sorg seeks to deliver death’s cold sting
Swiftly executed by his hands.
While leaving them may seem nightmarish
The prisoners largely were inert.
Into a vestibule, wise to the risk;
The room is empty, he does notice.
Figure out how to say things more naturally. Not adding details to fill the lines and rhymes, because when you do you have lots of filler and awkward sounding things that distract from the story and make the poem unreadable. You have to flesh out the story without filler.
Simply counting syllables leaves the lines feeling stiff and mechanical.