A girl named Lustful Sin

[billy]

Thanks I completly understand that it is not attacking me. I asked for the critical stuff but when you say you don't see how she is gorgeous I ask did you read the first 6 line stanza or second? Not to mention you pulled out the line that inincluded "make your mind gust" and said it is mundane boring instead of saying she blew my mind I used gust have you ever heard that before?

yes i read them , so the first point is brought up; why use gorgeous twice. you've already done the job and the 2nd is this, it wasn't done well
here's my reason why;

Her hair is like that of the finest silk huge cliche been said a thousand or more times before (not new)
Laid together like a gorgeous quilt you use a simile of a quilt to compare her hair?, why use the word gorgeous, what is gorgeous?
Her eyes are intoxicating and contagious the 1st part clich, 2nd part smaller cliche. how are they intoxicating, why are they contagious, does she have aids?
Just one glance from her is dangerous, does her eyes squirt venom? why are they dangerous, all the words you use like dangerous contagious, intoxicating are all intangible...they carry a broad meaning which can almost anything, use something that is definitive.
Her lips are pillow tops this feels like an image, i can imagine a pillow top, i can imagine fluffy lips i'd like to kiss. this works
Laying on them you never want to stop won't that smother the poor girl? be more descriptive, what is it you don't want to stop? laying on them

this line;

An old time sand hour glass, best descibes her curves so it's an hour glass, she has the hour glass curves of a sixties film star, she carries a Raquel Welch ass and betty boops tits. describes has an [s] in it by the way.

the last verse it just forced rhyme

i cannot have her she is not mine
i can not stop looking is it a crime

read, please read it out loud and think of a child reciting something they've wrote..it will probably sonically sound like the last verse.

as for the gust line, i wasn't comment on the gust, but the use of it you have doesn't work.

she blows your mind.
and
will make your mind mind gusts is not the same, this sounds more like she's making you brain fart.

She is gorgeous, attractive, and will make your mind gust
she is (sweet as candy cane or something else here, she is the moa lisa da vinci wanted to paint. ) and blows my mind like a high class hooker blowing cock

make it fresh, make it stand out, she's beautiful isn't she. is her hair really like a gorgeous quilt