First Edit - Bands

[critical mass]

This is better.
movement and measure stick with the metaphor.


We are awkward with one another;
.....................good his sets things up.


thirty years and yet we sit in silence, ..............You should maybe jump right into the metaphor in this line
what would be a metaphor in music for this, 30 years may not be important, people with 10 years may feel the same.



improvisation never as easy as it seems.
Marriage a movement of love and of loss
played in equal measure.
..................This is good




Our shared turns of tragedy,
of sadness and rigid regrets
separate yet bind us, yoked as we are
to this life, and to each other
........................................lost the metaphor here



in deceptive cadence.
.....................................cadence goes more in line with the geese but it is in staying with the music theme.

I rise to gather plates.




The geese are out this morning,
their hoarse honking, tenor tubas
in the marching band. They waddle
clockwise around the lake like so much brass,
wearing matching epaulets.

Suddenly, as if at sharp rap
of an absent conductor’s baton,
lifting their wings as one
they rise up,
flying in perfect formation.

Good luck with this

David