Hope Behind the Wheel

[tigrflye]

Trueenigma - line 1 is a mess? How so metrically? It's the "and I know what" part right? I screwed up an iamb and whatever I substituted is a no-no?

/you're MELT/ing FAST/ and i KNOW/ what you WEIGH/.

four feet: iamb/iamb/anapest/anapest. you want strong, clear iambs in your first line to establish normative meter before you start sub-ing anyway.

ahh i see. you made that very clear. Thank you.
I was reading it something like and I/KNOW what/ you WEIGH.
Still screwed up, so maybe i shouldn't admit that. Ha!
thanks.
You're melting faster than the snow in May.
ok, I give up.

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Hi Jenn, I found this to be a nice read, thanks for that!

I love L5-6, and the enjambent worked for me. L7-8 were a bit weird though, "womb" totally threw me and I started wondering if it was a mother-son relationship. But soon after it became obvious that nope, not so much. ;p

Trembling touch is an improvement on the original, so is the last line,but I do think you could have a stronger ending maybe. She feels tied to him, like she has to fulfill her duty, but clearly there's more to it than that. Don't have any concrete suggestions but hopefully you can see what I mean.

I feel like the story could be meated out more. From the comments I see you've been struggling a bit with it. Maybe use Todd's suggestion of expanding on "diluted memory."

Just some thoughts, feel free to ignore whatever you like... sometimes too many crits just make things more confusing.

Anyway overall enjoyable to read. It's sad and naughty all at once, not sure how you managed that but I like it!

-justcloudy

im glad to hear that some parts work. Thanks.
I can try explaining "womb" because I would like to keep it. The thought is : warmed the N's womb by giving her children or the act of making children. Ya know, getting it all hot up in there.
Yes- it is duty and so much more. Trying to convey that, all wrapped up with a bow. Thanks for helping.
Jenn