01-06-2014, 01:15 AM
Ha. Yay for feedback. This one feels like a Rubik cube. I've been twisting it, but I dont know it it is getting closer to finished. Thoughts on a new title haven't gotten very far.
Trueenigma - line 1 is a mess? How so metrically? It's the "and I know what" part right? I screwed up an iamb and whatever I substituted is a no-no?
I was trying to give a visual and attempting to just say what I mean to say. He (you) is melting - the weight is falling off quickly. Resulting in skin hanging on bone and I am the lucky one who is close enough to worry over the weight. Crap - that ending couplet is a nasty bitch.
Todd - rather than keep changing "reluctant" or sadly..
Perhaps I can change "forced"
"reluctant, im the one who stayed to see"
...initial thought.
Billy- thanks. At least you can tell I was going for a sonnet! I will change "boyish smile". And Ill look at the enjambments again.
Ok, back to twist the Rubik cube.
Thanks again! Xoxo - Jenn
Trueenigma - line 1 is a mess? How so metrically? It's the "and I know what" part right? I screwed up an iamb and whatever I substituted is a no-no?
I was trying to give a visual and attempting to just say what I mean to say. He (you) is melting - the weight is falling off quickly. Resulting in skin hanging on bone and I am the lucky one who is close enough to worry over the weight. Crap - that ending couplet is a nasty bitch.
Todd - rather than keep changing "reluctant" or sadly..
Perhaps I can change "forced"
"reluctant, im the one who stayed to see"
...initial thought.
Billy- thanks. At least you can tell I was going for a sonnet! I will change "boyish smile". And Ill look at the enjambments again.
Ok, back to twist the Rubik cube.
Thanks again! Xoxo - Jenn