great attempt. an overall feel was that in places it feels a little forced due to phrases like "that there was" and "You used to say this" (i'm not sure if forced is the right term) but it does feel better word use could be used in order to make the poem fuller and more vibrant or alive.
that said, it's a good effort
thanks for the read.
that said, it's a good effort
thanks for the read.
(01-05-2014, 01:03 AM)alatos Wrote: Tonight, you pass through lands unknown to me. no need for the comma, it makes the line feel forced.
The air of northern steppes now fills your lungs.
A stranger amidst foreign lands and tongues: i stumbled a little with the meter here, amidst seems to be the problem. i have no suggestions as to how make it work better for you)
a dreamer on the shores of the Black Sea. the change in meter works well, the two [the's] feel clunky, can one of them be changed?
Adrift to change your stars, you don’t agree
with hopeless fate. Five-thousand miles crossed is there half a foot missing in the meter?
to tread in that lost sweep of snow and frost… i like this line, it places me in the poem
to find your wandering has set you free.
You used to say this world was far too dull,
that there was nothing new beneath the sun;
but now this globe you walk… you hail divine.
My God! The way you revel in it all!
You see the Heavens and the earth as one:
the whole expanse of space you sing a shrine. nice closing couplet that shows the travellers love of nature and