Sleeper

[ChessPiece]

There's a rule against bumping a thread...but I wanted to campaign for further comments on this poem... If you've been writing for one second or one tenth of a decade or old hat ..throw some feedback my way Cheers! -CP

I’m ready to deal with sleeping in the dark now
Any minute now

Half-crouched by the light switch
Hand on Knee, on the mark
Memorizing unobstructed route by panic
Charging through to safety
And with frenetic shock
Lunge blindly onto twin-size berth
Any second now

I’ve taken to sleeping in a cold room
Simulating an exposure to the elements
This is what I should be afraid of:
Park bench and sleeping bag, grill-brush jaw agape
Snotty drooling display of detached inactivity
Antipathy’s gift to the public senses
Mega phonic snoring in the grunting style
Of damaged saxophone
A flurry of nightsticks to tuck me in
Muddied gangrenous hands
Up like praise in self defence

For now, a mattressed plank on cold dark water
On this ocean of a disheveled room
With optimism at arm’s length
A Plugged-nosed repose I don’t answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper




Took another shot at it, trying to tighten it a bit.


EDIT 1
I’m ready to sleep in the dark now
Arm stretched out behind me
Finger perched, hovered above the light switch
Half-crouched, on my mark
Memorizing the unobstructed route
Before the charge to safety
Lunging blindly onto twin-size berth

I’ve taken to sleeping in a cold room
Simulating an exposure to the elements
This is what I should be afraid of:
Park bench and sleeping bag, grill-brush jaw agape
Snotty drooling display of detached Inactivity
Antipathy’s gift to the public senses
Mega phonic snoring in the grunting style
Of damaged saxophone
A flurry of nightsticks to tuck me in
Muddied gangrenous hands
Up like praise in self defense

For now, a comfortable cold bed in the dark
Easily scoffing the nightmare prickle
For now, an optimism at arm's length
A plugged-nosed repose I don’t have to answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper


I'm not sure if these changes cure the imagery problem but it definitely needed an overhaul. Decided to keep the twin-size berth because twin berth sounds like twin birth when read aloud. Just sayin.
Any further suggestions welcome.


Original

I’m ready to sleep in the dark now
My arm stretched out behind me
Finger perched and poised on the light switch
Half-crouched, on my mark
Memorizing the unobstructed route
Before I sprint blindly to the twin-size berth

I like to sleep in a cold room
So I can be reminded of what I’m protected from
What I really should be scared of:
Homelessness, giving every thought to endurance
Friendless to where I cannot afford to put trust on hold
Forgettable, faceless, although easily identifiable to where my survival
May bring about incarceration should I decide to sustain myself
Through illicit means

For now, a comfortable cold bed in the dark
Easy dreaming there
Easily able to scoff the nightmare prickle
No conclusions made that my uproarious snore is the mark of a rummy
For now, there's an optimism that I’m willing to take on at arm's length
A plugged-nosed repose I don’t have to answer for
A boisterous in-the-dark thinker
A move-along-nothing-to-see-here sleeper