Hope Behind the Wheel

[tigrflye]

He gave it up somewhere along the way,
and sadly, I'm the one who's forced to see
the skin relax on bones, a flesh-display
of discontent to share the road with me.
I miss the man he was before his eyes,
half-closed with stress, averted mine. He lost
the boyish smile that shivered up my thighs
and gently warmed my womb. Away, he tossed
my timid touch, unwilling to be soothed
or let me soothe myself. Sweat-painted hide
is now just diluted memory he used
to be so ever-willing to provide.
But I won't leave him struggling there alone.
I'll keep my vows, continue driving home.

This seems fine to me; just a semi-colon needed to end L1.
L2 could perhaps end on a better verb than "see", which seems to be performing a function a little closer to something like "watch".
Some may see "along the way", and "share the road with me" as cliche, but I think it works; for me, the couplet redeems, reconciles, and refreshes it. You have an anapest in L11, but I think it may be intentional, and it works for me as well, actually I think it's /perfect/: the anapest "dilutes" the line--content matching form.

The break on "he lost" in L6 is clever, I like it. The breaks on 8 and ten contain good images, but the pauses there are not as strong and some of the rhyme is lost--it may be a worthy compromise though: you get some good tension on 8, and the image in ten is interesting, original, and well, sexy.

Overall I think the interplay between sexual/emotional tension and the two characters is handled quite well both the aurally and visually, and it is really a pleasure to read.

P.s. You need some punctuation after "memory" in L11. I'd suggest maybe loosing the hyphen in L10 and using a dash. Also, perhaps a dash, semi-colon or colon might be a good idea at the end on L13, to connect the two lines.

Thank you so much. I agree with just about everything you said,& I appreciate the close eye.

---

Hi Jenn,

This one has some melancholy content. Let me address the lines below:

He gave it up somewhere along the way,--You do something that I've had called out on me before. Using it in your first line the way you do is problematic. It is a vague word, and it can cause a first line to stutter. I think your title needs to answer what "it" is for you to pull it off. Likely though a rewrite is the better choice.

the title doesn't even suggest a little that I mean he gave up hope? That he "gave up" ? No? Regardless, I do want the first line to be interesting, so I'll think of other options

and sadly, I'm the one who's forced to see--adverb tells too much. Is there a way to demonstrate sadly more by action or imagery
yeah, probably
the skin relax on bones, a flesh-display--This line is interesting. Its the first one that drew me in.
of discontent to share the road with me.[n]--maybe this instead of the.[/b]
I miss the man he was before his eyes,--These pronouns feel all wrong to me. He's might work better as you's throughout. Not sure, just the third person seems to work against the poignancy of the ideas. Just a thought.
half-closed with stress, averted mine. He lost--the averted mine feels like an awkward transition. The break on lost is nice

awkward transition? I miss the man he was before his eyes averted mine.

the boyish smile that shivered up my thighs
and gently warmed my womb. Away, he tossed--It feels like the poem is starting on "He lost the boyish smile..." You're hitting your stride. It makes me wonder about the necessity of the earlier lines[/b]
my timid touch, unwilling to be soothed--timid touch while nice sounding might be better replaced with an image.
or let me soothe myself. Sweat-painted hide--This feels obviously sexual but also strangely spirit quest native american. The dual meaning of hide which you could exploit here is interesting, but it just feels off with the title and the scene your creating.
is now just diluted memory he used--diluted memory also seems to be crying out for an image, or something you could expand over a couple of lines
to be so ever-willing to provide.
But I won't leave him struggling there alone.
I'll keep my vows, continue driving home.

Jenn, it may not come across but I quite like the content. I think there's a lot of potential here. The poem just feels a bit all over the place to me. I would like more imagery. I hope some of this helped. I'm not sure at this point what to suggest. Maybe you'll have some ideas if you agree with the assessment.

Best,

Todd

oh wow, Todd, you have given me a lot to think about. Thanks
It is going to take some time.