The Light Toy-Railway

[bogpan]

The light toy-railway is traveling,
with the kids who aren’t anymore.

Not a strong line.

To Paris, to Brussels is traveling,

Maybe it's worded this way because it's like a song.


to the Black Africa too.
The light toy-railway is grieving,
for the fawn’s steps under Christmas tree,
for the luster in the eyes and
ah, for the toys.
For the Blue Bird, for the white photos,
for the hand that is putting the little star.
For the dream that’s coming true.

Simply, you can rewrite all of that. You have enough things there to work with, but it's not going well. Rework it a few times till you get something better is all I know.


The light toy-railway is traveling.
Traveling.

Thanks for your feedback. I think the problem is that the poem is a translation from another language. I guess that sounds strange in American linguistic culture. This is what I can share.