12-27-2013, 12:09 AM
I watch the little harbor disappear
and motor on to meet the midnight waves.
I turn to contemplate the black frontier:
how many lie, lured gladly to their graves?
The buoy’s light sings patiently to come
beyond the jetty’s shore of rocky caves.
It gets better with what follows.
I breathe and smell the empty breeze. Bay Rum
still lingers on my clothes, a faint yet strong
reminder of my bed, and sleep. The strum
of engine gears, the diesel’s drum, a song
of leaving home to join the endless seas.
Maybe just sea, though it takes the s sound off the rhyme. This might be one of those circumstances where you can say endless seas; but whatever you want, you could find a more original image. A faint yet strong reminder isn't very strong either.
Where else, on this wide earth, could I belong?
On this wide earth is another thing that might not work as well as something else. What? I don't know. But you could come up with something that stands out better, sounds better, a better image at this point in the poem.
What better friends, what stronger ties than these,
the nighttime swells, to put my soul at ease?
put? Maybe find a stronger word for the last line.
and motor on to meet the midnight waves.
I turn to contemplate the black frontier:
how many lie, lured gladly to their graves?
The buoy’s light sings patiently to come
beyond the jetty’s shore of rocky caves.
It gets better with what follows.
I breathe and smell the empty breeze. Bay Rum
still lingers on my clothes, a faint yet strong
reminder of my bed, and sleep. The strum
of engine gears, the diesel’s drum, a song
of leaving home to join the endless seas.
Maybe just sea, though it takes the s sound off the rhyme. This might be one of those circumstances where you can say endless seas; but whatever you want, you could find a more original image. A faint yet strong reminder isn't very strong either.
Where else, on this wide earth, could I belong?
On this wide earth is another thing that might not work as well as something else. What? I don't know. But you could come up with something that stands out better, sounds better, a better image at this point in the poem.
What better friends, what stronger ties than these,
the nighttime swells, to put my soul at ease?
put? Maybe find a stronger word for the last line.