Lake Song - revised

[tectak]

Draft 2

Grandma, give me your smile,
your love, say it will always last -- This is a tricky sentence. I think it is punctuated as best it could be...but not as best as it should be. You avoid the conjunctive "and" at your peril. Can you bear to write "...give me your smile AND your love; say it will always (tautological)last(period)"?
lies, of course; but still, nonsensical conclusion. As oft' mentioned...er, by me.
the sun is poised to dive
into the lake and we sit
rippling at the dock. No. I still think the " but still" is misguided.
Home's a weekend we stole
from summer, back tripping
at tree roots -- Grandmother Willows;
back to the minutiae of moss
-- don't step on it; birchwood's I am stupid. Write for me
tender peeling. I've returned
to hold you circled in embraces,
a green carpet at your trunk
and slender trembling. Though the forest's Goodnight and merry Christmas. I am lost.
raw queer roar is calling
and life is everywhere at once,
for now I'm at your feet
begging that you'll smile: you do. I like this . The thorn in my paw has been pulled. Better, but only comparatively
Hello again,
Look, I am a bad judge...there are, for me, sand falls in plimsolls whilst sandwiches. Clean up the English...if you get my drift. It is not worthy to mangle language unless you are Wellllllsh...what DOES birchwood's tender peeling mean, and I am not asking because I am tender peeling?
Any root, cherry miscreant,
Breast,
tectak



Draft 1

Grandma, give me your smile.
Grandma, give me your love, and say
it will always last - lies
of course; but still, the sun is poised
to dive into the lake
and we sit rippling at the dock.
Home’s a weekend we stole
from summer, back tripping at roots
of trees (of Grandmother
Willows) back to the minutiae
of moss - don’t step on it -
birchwood's tender peeling.
I’ve come back to hold you circled
in embraces, a green carpet
at your trunk and slender
trembling. Though the forest’s
raw queer roar is calling, though life
is everywhere at once,
for now, I’m at your feet begging
that you’ll smile. And you do.