12-24-2013, 03:27 PM
Proofread:
Edit 1 (tectac, beaufort)
We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats,[?] and rain-proof macs
sauna in the morning flask. [boy, that lost me. As an editor, I don't know what I'd say--prolly "I like it." As a proofreader, it makes me insane
]
Gated steps then onto copse, [this'n too. A "copse" of trees is an archaic collective already, or getting there. This usage is alien to me.]
slurry tanks and cattle troughs
Sliding signs of glacier sheets, [is sheets a verb or a noun?]
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks, [the first line that makes grammatical sense, and it's my least favorite . . .] [my guess is, you need an "and" here, but the whole thing is such a ???]
an apple bite arête
sinks deep inside the corrie,
whilst ribbons fill in flurries. [I can't make any sense of this--if that's just me, then it's just me]
Mud slips ragged as mountains run
drumlins smooth as fresh-laid eggs. [is run drumlins the verb? Again, just a vocab issue]
Moss filled pillows and bracken beds,
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls.
The wind sits down to catch a breath,
cake and lake unfolded foil.
Beaufort scales the treetops sway
as wing and leaf are carried astray.
Copper confetti twists amber gold,
our trysting place enfolds,
furnished in field maple leaf.
-------
Well, for sure moss filled needs a hyphen: moss-filled. Past that, this is dialectic such that I any comprehend it, although I didn't think that'd be the case on my first read through.
Edit 1 (tectac, beaufort)
We pull our clobber from the boot,
shod with cleats,[?] and rain-proof macs
sauna in the morning flask. [boy, that lost me. As an editor, I don't know what I'd say--prolly "I like it." As a proofreader, it makes me insane
]Gated steps then onto copse, [this'n too. A "copse" of trees is an archaic collective already, or getting there. This usage is alien to me.]
slurry tanks and cattle troughs
Sliding signs of glacier sheets, [is sheets a verb or a noun?]
grinding teeth crunch frozen rocks, [the first line that makes grammatical sense, and it's my least favorite . . .] [my guess is, you need an "and" here, but the whole thing is such a ???]
an apple bite arête
sinks deep inside the corrie,
whilst ribbons fill in flurries. [I can't make any sense of this--if that's just me, then it's just me]
Mud slips ragged as mountains run
drumlins smooth as fresh-laid eggs. [is run drumlins the verb? Again, just a vocab issue]
Moss filled pillows and bracken beds,
fauna threads through limestone walls,
Poo sticks raced down waterfalls.
The wind sits down to catch a breath,
cake and lake unfolded foil.
Beaufort scales the treetops sway
as wing and leaf are carried astray.
Copper confetti twists amber gold,
our trysting place enfolds,
furnished in field maple leaf.
-------
Well, for sure moss filled needs a hyphen: moss-filled. Past that, this is dialectic such that I any comprehend it, although I didn't think that'd be the case on my first read through.