12-24-2013, 10:37 AM
Proofread:
Lake Song
Grandma, give me your smile.
Grandma, give me your love and say
it will always last--lies [note: the UK dash is em -- em; the American is em--em]
of course; but, still, the sun is poised
to dive into the lake,
and we sit rippling at the dock.
Home’s a weekend we stole
from summer, back tripping at roots
of trees (of Grandmother
Willows) [consider rewriting. In my experience, parents in poetry are almost always better if recast w commas] back to the minutiae
of moss--don’t step on it--
birchwood's tender peeling. [I'd offer an edit, bc what you have here is a fragment. Without the parenthetical, it reads "of moss, / bircheood's tender peeling" which is confusing, and I can't see a payoff . . . ]
I’ve come back to hold you circled
in embraces, [as is, this is nonsensical. "I've come back to hold you that is circled "? I've come back circled . . . To hold you" ?] a green carpet
at your trunk and slender
trembling. [you are? The moss-which-isn't-you has?] Though the forest’s
raw, [equivalently weighted modifiers are separated by commas in a series] queer roar is calling, though life
is everywhere at once,
for now, I’m at your feet begging [this is a compound sentence without a conjunction . . .]
that you’ll smile. And you do. [consider moving "and you do" to a new line. This isn't a proofer comment, but unless it gets it's own line, the proofer's comment would be "kill the period, and join with a comma. Maybe that's just me . . .]
Lake Song
Grandma, give me your smile.
Grandma, give me your love and say
it will always last--lies [note: the UK dash is em -- em; the American is em--em]
of course; but, still, the sun is poised
to dive into the lake,
and we sit rippling at the dock.
Home’s a weekend we stole
from summer, back tripping at roots
of trees (of Grandmother
Willows) [consider rewriting. In my experience, parents in poetry are almost always better if recast w commas] back to the minutiae
of moss--don’t step on it--
birchwood's tender peeling. [I'd offer an edit, bc what you have here is a fragment. Without the parenthetical, it reads "of moss, / bircheood's tender peeling" which is confusing, and I can't see a payoff . . . ]
I’ve come back to hold you circled
in embraces, [as is, this is nonsensical. "I've come back to hold you that is circled "? I've come back circled . . . To hold you" ?] a green carpet
at your trunk and slender
trembling. [you are? The moss-which-isn't-you has?] Though the forest’s
raw, [equivalently weighted modifiers are separated by commas in a series] queer roar is calling, though life
is everywhere at once,
for now, I’m at your feet begging [this is a compound sentence without a conjunction . . .]
that you’ll smile. And you do. [consider moving "and you do" to a new line. This isn't a proofer comment, but unless it gets it's own line, the proofer's comment would be "kill the period, and join with a comma. Maybe that's just me . . .]